Meier Clinics Moments – October 30, 2024
Focus on the Family Counseling Staff
Holiday gatherings are on the horizon, and it’s easy to imagine that this year will hold picture-perfect celebrations — with everyone happy and cooperative. But reality can be quick to fall short, says author Dr. Greg Smalley:
Our expectations often set us up for failure. There’s nothing wrong with looking forward to spending quality time with family. But sometimes we look at these reunions as opportunities to make up for a year’s worth of lost time or to heal long-festering hurts.
We have to let go of the dream that a few days of holiday togetherness can erase a year’s (or decade’s) worth of disconnection, neglect, and conflict. …
[And] it’s not just our own unrealistic expectations that can create problems, of course. Sometimes when we’re with family, past hurts and negative experiences come flooding back. … A lot of these issues might have been hibernating for years, only to wake up as soon as the family is together.
Holding realistic expectations and learning to set wise boundaries are key parts of successful interactions.
How to manage unrealistic expectations
Being hopeful about reconciliation and living together in joy and peace is a good thing. After all, hope is one of three enduring virtues in Christian life (1 Corinthians 13:13).
At the same time, we need to be honest with ourselves about challenges. We must accept that we can’t change our relatives. And so we need to plan ahead for how we’ll manage difficulties.
Here are a few ways to keep your expectations in check so you can interact wisely.
Support your spouse
You might look forward to seeing your family; however, your spouse might feel differently because of past interactions. Ask your spouse about their feelings and concerns. How will you support them if a conversation turns critical? Your relationship with your spouse takes priority.
Set boundaries
Sometimes the best way to have a positive holiday is to limit time with difficult family members. You might choose to stay at a hotel, keep the trip brief, or make other plans with friends or your spouse’s family so you have wiggle room to arrive late or leave early.
Choose to respond with grace
You can’t control others, but you can control your responses. Sometimes the best offense is a great defense. Smile politely or ignore a hurtful comment. And remember: “Do not take to heart all the things that people say” (Ecclesiastes 7:21).
Find a safe place
If a situation becomes too intense, give yourself permission to take a break. Go to another room, take a walk, or call a friend. Dealing with tough situations can be easier when you step away, rest, and regain perspective.
Learn more
For more insight, we invite you to listen to our shows Living in Peace With People Who Drive You Crazy and Living at Peace With Difficult People. We also recommend reading The Path of a Peacemaker and People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys.
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Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.
