Meier Clinics Moment – January 1st, 2025
Focus on the Family Counseling Staff
Jill’s story
Jill told her counselor about trying to save two failed marriages, both with husbands who struggled with substance abuse and were abusive and unfaithful. Now her third marriage was playing out the same way.
Jill shared that Dad abandoned the family when she was 7, so she was responsible for younger sisters while Mom worked. “That’s a lot of responsibility for a young girl,” the counselor affirmed. “Has anyone ever mentioned that having to take care of your family while you grew up might affect your relationships as an adult?”
What is codependency?
Codependency is an adaptive coping mechanism used compulsively by people trying to find personal worth by meeting perceived needs of others.
In other words, codependency is a mixed-up motivation to help. Helping becomes a have-to out of guilt and survival instead of a want-to out of loving service.
However, God designed relationships to be interdependent (mutually responsible to each another), not codependent (responsible for someone else).
That doesn’t mean we ignore legitimate circumstances of children or those who are sick, elderly, or disabled. Instead, we seek the Lord’s wisdom about our motives and whether a loved one has a true need.
Causes of codependency
Codependency is too complex to pinpoint a single cause. However, it often starts in childhood. Children raised in a dysfunctional home might find themselves wanting or needing to help others because adults in the family can’t or won’t.
Over time, coping can become compulsive: Someone has to be responsible, so it has to be me. A child raised in that environment often becomes an adult who’s compelled to fix, rescue, or control others.
In Jill’s case, her mother felt like she didn’t have a choice but to make Jill take care of the other kids. With Dad gone, Mom had to work more. Unfortunately, she didn’t build strong networks with other adults who could help the family. And sadly, she didn’t realize the long-term harm that would cause Jill.
Signs of codependency
You or a loved one might be codependent if you:
- Are in a relationship marked by addiction or abuse.
- Take responsibility for helping others at the expense of your needs.
- Seek love and worth through helping but fear abandonment.
- Endure mistreatment and live in survival mode.
- Excuse and enable others’ dysfunctional behaviors.
- Fail to set or keep personal boundaries.
- Become emotionally dependent on fixing, rescuing, and controlling others.
- Live without love, attention, security, fulfillment, and identity.
- Experience hurt, fear, anger, guilt, loneliness, and shame.
Healing is possible
Scripture tells us, “Christ has set us free to enjoy our freedom. So remain strong in the faith. Don’t let the chains of slavery hold you again” (Galatians 5:1). If you suffer from codependency, you can recover.
Next month …
In part two of our series, we’ll talk about how codependency develops.
Note: This article series about codependency (by Dr. Russ Rainey) only scratches the surface of a complex topic. For a more in-depth discussion, we recommend The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook
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Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.
