Focus on the Family Counseling Staff
We all encounter run-of-the-mill rudeness. But bullying is a deliberate attack on another person’s worth and dignity. We need to have ongoing conversations with our kids about the difference between rudeness (hurt) and bullying (harm).
When your child is on the receiving end of someone’s bad behavior, three questions can help you consider whether that person is a bully.
1. Do you think this was an accident or that the person was trying to joke?
These are green-light interactions. Your child might feel hurt by a person’s behavior, but that person isn’t being a bully.
Egocentric thinking (it’s all about me) is normal for young children. For example, if someone cuts in front of them, a child might be quick to assume it was a deliberate hostile act. You can say, Remember when you thought Katie cut in line? She just didn’t know where the end of the line was. When you kindly showed her, she apologized and went to the back.
Also, young kids need guidance to regulate their emotions. Talk early and often with your child about feelings, emotions, and empathy. As they develop relational intelligence, they can learn to let harmless comments roll right off.
2. Do you think this was a sign of selfishness or insecurity?
These are yellow-light interactions. Someone might not deliberately attack your child, but their behavior shows that they shouldn’t be trusted easily.
Some kids don’t care about others’ feelings or are just taking longer to mature. They’re focused on getting their own way.
For example, if someone grabs a pencil from your child’s desk because they didn’t bring their own, you can help your child say, Stop or Don’t do that. The person will likely give back the pencil but probably won’t apologize.
Even as you teach your child to treat others kindly, you can help them be appropriately cautious about spending time with kids who continually treat others rudely.
3. Do you think the person was trying to make you do what they wanted you to do? Were they trying to make you feel bad so they’d feel better?
Think of these as red-light interactions. Someone is being deliberately aggressive and should not be trusted.
Some kids feel empowered to do whatever they want and control others. Their mean behavior is often premeditated and ongoing — and it has the potential to escalate. So be sure your child knows they should get help from an adult if they experience a bully.
For example, your elementary-aged child might be pushed around on the playground. Your tween might be made fun of for always having their nose in a book. Your teen might be mocked for their values and have lies spread about them on social media.
These actions are harmful and must be stopped.
For more about how to prevent and deal with bullying, read our article Bullying and Cyberbullying, and listen to our two-part broadcast Combating Bullies in Your Child’s Life.
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Adapted from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/mean-kids-or-bullies-whats-the-difference/ Focus on the Family’s Counseling Staff is a group of highly experienced, state-licensed clinicians and pastoral counselors who specialize in addressing personal and family issues from a biblical perspective. Integrating faith into daily life, a high regard for the Word of God, and a commitment to serve others with compassion are deep passions for this team as they conduct up to 1,500 phone consults each month. Focus on the Family offers free consultation through 1-855-771-HELP and referrals for more in-depth care through Focus on the Family’s Christian Counselors Network. Focus has enjoyed a long and valued referral relationship with Meier Clinics and other like-minded agencies who serve the cause of Christ in their clinical work.
